Sunday, January 14, 2007

The Unexplainable

FYI: This is the longest post I have ever written. It is deeply personal and I share it with an open heart. It is the hardest story I have ever had to tell about my little existance here on earth. I have been trying to write this for many weeks now. As I wrote today, fresh tears and sorrow came. The tenderness of loss may remain for a lifetime, but it makes us stronger through the strength of Jesus Christ. "I can do all things through Chrsit who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13


On October 18, I found out I was pregnant.

I was pretty surprised to be honest with you. We had been trying for about 6 months or so, but had just decided to stop for a while. I just felt that the timing wasn't right and that I was not supposed to be pregnant. So when I saw the positive results on the test, I was shocked, confused, a little irritated (hey, I'm being honest!), and scared. I was so confused by it that I didn't even tell Scott for a couple days. I remember calling one of my dearest girlfriends and telling her that I wasn't sure how I was feeling about it. I think part of the reson why I was so confused is because we'd been trying for a long while to get pregnant and now that I was, I wasn't happy about it or even the least bit excited.

After a couple days of mulling it over and seeking God for answers, I couldn't keep it a secret from my hubby any longer. It was Thursay night (the beginning of our weekend) and pizza night at the Ball Room. So I told Scott that I was going to go and order the pizza and wait for it. I told him I had another errand to run anyway. So I went to Season's and the whole way there, I racked my brain to come up with a clever way to tell Scott about the baby on the pizza. (With Natalie I was so totally freaked out that all he got was a frantic phone call during band practice.) I wanted this time to be more special even if I wasn't excited about it.

So I ordered our favorite pizza--Greek pizza...mmmm. I asked the lady behind the counter if they could use the olives to make a #2 on the pizza. I explained that I had just found out I was expecting again and wanted to tell my husband in a sweet way. She stepped from behind the counter to show me her bulging 7 month belly. She said she would personally do it herself. The whole place ended up finding out about it and everyone was congratulating me. I was terrified that someone I knew was going to walk in and hear about it before I had even told Scott. So with my pizza in hand, I headed home. I was so nervous, that I totally forgot about the other errand I needed to run.

When I got home, I took the pizza in the kitchen where Scott was. I told him that they forgot to cut it and asked if he would cut it. He opened the box and began cutting when I came running back in the room. He was cutting into my #2! I asked him if he saw what they had written. He said that he just thought it was an "S" for Season's. Now seriously! We've been going to Season's for almost 2 year and getting the greek pizza just about every time and they have NEVER put and "S" on the pizza. (Only a guy would say that.)

I told him it was a #2. He looked even more confused. I finally had to just come right out and say, "We're having another baby!" He was as shocked as I was. I quickly took a picture because I knew that eventually, when I got excited, I would want to post this cute story of how I told him about baby #2 on my blog.


So the next few weeks were rather uneventful other than the major fatigue that comes with early pregnancy. I went to the doctor and they said, "Yes in deed, you are most definately pregnant!" I was given the due date of June 21, 2007.

Still, I waited for the excitement to kick in, but deep down inside I knew there was something not right. I ademently refused to tell anyone, much to Scott's dismay. (He hates to keep secrets like this.) I just wanted to wait until I could share in other's excitement. Scott couldn't wait, so he began to let it slip out here and there. We told our families and very close friends with strict instructions to keep it quiet.

Around 7 or 8 weeks along Scott posted on his blog that we were expecting. (More than anything else, he just wanted to see if anyone actually read his blog. Click on The Atmosphere to the right to read his blog. He would love it!) So more and more people sloooowly found out. It was also around this time that I began to get over the initial shock and confusion. I was actually starting to look forward to having a baby again, to being a mommy again. I began to fess up to my girlfriends who were not too pleased with me for keeping it from them for so long! (They had shared my sadness each month while we were trying when I would find out that I wasn't pregnant.)

After Thankgiving, my girlfriend Susan and I went to Indiana for a couple days. It was all business for her and half business, half play with my niece and nephew for me. When we go there we crashed, but the next morning I didn't feel rested. In fact I felt more exhausted than I had the night before after a 13 hour drive. I moved in a haze that day. I remember Susan kept asking me if I felt ok. I did feel ok, I just was so tired. The next day I went back to my brother's and was even more exhausted. I couldn't carry the babies. I could barely carry myself. I got the sniffles and thought I was just getting a cold.

The next morning I woke up with a few little cramps. I knew something was not right because I don't cramp during pregnancy until I am in labor. When I used the restroom I noticed that there was a tinge of blood. I didn't say anything to anyone for most of the day, because I didn't want anyone to freak out. Finally in the afternoon, I did talk to Anissa about it. She had had a miscarriage before and would know if I should be concerned about the bit of pink. She told me not to worry about it unless it became dark and the cramps increased.

About an hour later that was exactly what happened. I called her into the bathroom and asked her if I should be concerned about that. She told me to call my midwife right away.

The midwife asked me to come in as soon as I got home for an ultrasound. We left the next day and the cramping increased, but the bleeding remained consistant.

That Friday morning, December 1st, 2006, Scott, Natalie, and I went to the ultrasound and saw nothing. We didn't see a heartbeat. We didn't see movement. We didn't see toes and fingers. We didn't see a baby. I was 11 weeks along, so we should have see all of that. We were told nothing but to return to the midwife. The midwife then explained to us that there was no baby. No baby at all. Just a gestational sack that was only measuring at 8 weeks. She said that had the baby developed even to five or six weeks along they would have been able to see something in the gestational sack.

I had what's called a blighted ovem. It's when an egg is fertilized, but doesn't really develop much beyond that. It's caused by a chromosomal dysfunction in the egg.

We had no baby.

My mom had just given me two precious little sleepers for the baby. One in yellow and one in white with little yellow ducks all over it.

We had no baby.

How could that be?

How could there not be a baby?! I was pregnant! I had the morning sickness! I was beginning to grow. I was pregnant! It was my little boy. My bubby. My son.

No baby.

But God is ALWAYS faithful!! He is so good. He has a PERFECT PLAN for my life and for my family. This miscarriage is a part of that, no matter how hard it may be. My amazing man put it best...


"On Dec 1, 2006, at 4:24 PM, Scott Ball wrote:

Hey Everyone,
Each of us have in our lives pillars. By pillars I mean places that we look to, remembering God's faithfulness, mercy and grace, so that we in turn have a place to turn when times get tough, or when the "rug gets pulled out from underneath you."

A few weeks ago, we shared with you some great news that Melissa and I are having another baby. You all rejoiced with us, and we are getting excited, expecting a little miracle baby sometime this June. Through this God remained faithful!

Melissa went through the 1st trimester with very little sickness, something we were all praying for, and God remained.

Pillars are awesome. They are not only things that you can see from a distance (these things are huge!) They are also so big that you can easily lean on them when its hard to stand. God is so faithful.

This morning I was leaning on some of those pillars. Melissa was in Indiana this week, and started having some issues with the pregnancy. After the mad rush to the hospital, sonogram people, and her doctor we found out that we had lost the baby.

God always remains. I keep thinking of Moses. When times got tough, he leaned on God. So much so that he told God if you are not near, just end this whole thing right now! God answered him. It was amazing! He never said it would be easy, just that He would go before us. He was so faithful!

So here we are. What do we do now? Well, first of all, this was God's child, He has the prerogative to do whatever he wishes. Second of all, He ALWAYS has a plan. We are just seeking what that plan is. Thirdly, we have some awesome pillars to lean on! God has, and continues to do some amazing stuff in our lives, in our family, in our ministries, in our congregation!

Melissa and I are walking in places where we have never walked before. And I know that there is a light unto our path, and we have a Guide/Comforter/The ULTIMATE GPS to help us through this, and HE IS ALWAYS FAITHFUL.

You can continue to pray with us as we walk, God never said that it would be easy, just that He would never leave us alone to our own devices ;)

Thanks for all of your prayers! Especially for Melissa as her body heals, and recovers.
PS and Melissa


Scott Ball . Worship Pastor . First Assembly Elkton
[ p. 410.398.4234 e. pastorscott78@mac.com w. www.elktonfirst.org ]"

I spent a lot of time on the phone that afternoon calling friends and family. Each time I told the story, my faith rose. My God got bigger and His plan got greater. My spirit began to soar inspite of the deep valley I felt inside.

For the next month, my feet did not touch down. I had my moments of sorrow. I sobbed for my baby boy that I would never feel moving inside me. I wept for the baby that would never nurse. I mourned the loss of my son whom I would never hold. That was the hardest part... knowing I would never hold my baby in my arms.

My baby was gone.

But my God never left my side.

Even today as I write, the wounds are still fresh and still so very tender, but HE is right here. He has always been here.

Christmas was tough. Lots of talk of pregnancy and a baby boy (JESUS!) being born. Scott gave me the most amazing gift ever. I don't think that there will ever be a more romantic gift given by him or any other husband. Each Mother's Day he and Natalie get me a Willow Tree Figurine. Every year he blows me away with the thoughfulness of the figurine. For a long time I have wanted the one of the pregnant woman, but I was never pregnant over Mother's Day. After we lost the baby, I told him that I wanted the figurine to stand as a symbol of the pregnancy and baby. As I opened the box, I saw that it was a figurine and assumed it was the pregnant woman. This is who I pulled out...

I was so confused. How could he do this to me? I said, "But I don't have a baby." He said, "I know. You told me that the hardest part of this all was that you were never going to be able to hold your baby. I saw this and thought that now you'd be able to hold your baby." We sat there and wept together for the first time.

I couldn't put her down. I couldn't put my baby down. If you look closely at the picture you can see that the baby is sleeping. My baby is sleeping in my arms.

The caption for this figurine is "So loved, so very loved." Even though I wasn't initially happy or excited, this baby was so very, very loved and so desperately wanted! Someday I will see him and I long for that day. But until then, I have to stand and believe!

GOD IS SO FAITHFUL AND SO VERY GOOD TO ME! If I don't stand and if I don't believe that He is who He says He is, then I have nothing. If you go through the good times of life on your own and wait to call upon God until you have a dark moment, you'll have nothing to run to. It is in those good times that we build our faith and are made stronger for those times when we feel so low. God is always there. We are the ones that pick and choose when we want Him around.

I had a good friend once, who went through an unbelieveable battles. She used to say all the time, "It's not about me!" It's about God. It's about Him only! We exist only to glorify HIS name! We go through struggles and tests so that we have a TESTimony of God's glory through us. It's not about us! Nothing ever is! It's all about HIM! It's all about Him! Forever and ever, it's about Him.

It's been about six weeks since we found out about the miscariage. Natalie still thinks there's a baby in my tummy. I can't watch A Baby Story yet. I have friends who are pregnant and I am able to honestly rejoice with them. When the time is right, another baby will come. I have no doubts about that. It's all in His timing. It's His perfect plan, after all. So until that time, I enjoy my little girl and I enjoy my husband. I live life and I enjoy everything that God has done. He is good and He is faithful.


"The Ball Room"
Scott, Melissa, and Natalie Ball
Williamsburg, VA
October 2006

4 comments:

  1. I read that not knowing how I would feel in a situation like that. I know God would increase my faith through it and we all go through our own struggles to test our Faith, but how I would react....i don't know. God has given you tremendous faith and I love the way you can tell the story.....it's so hard to go through things....especially with your children...ive almost lost a couple of my children that have been born early...but through that God increased my faith too. It's wonderful how we can grow when we are desperate. Anyway, know that I think of you often and pray for your family!

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  2. Wow Melissa. That was great what you wrote. I cried when I saw the figurine Scott gave you. How incredibly thoughtful of him. Thanks for writing this all out in such a beautiful way. I know you will treasure it always.

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  3. I had tears in my eyes as I read your story. You and your family are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing this difficult experience with us.

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  4. I love you! I'm so glad you shared a picture of the figurine that Scott gave you. I know you explained it to me on the phone but seeing the picture gave me an understanding of what a special gift that was. You are so dear to me!!!

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